Humorous Quotations

This collection of the wit and wisdom of the world’s funniest people, published by Arcturus (2013), includes quotes from William Shakespeare, Lewis Carroll, Mae West, Oscar Wilde, Bob Hope and many more:

Hollywood Hogwash

  • Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons. (Woody Allen, US writer-director)
  • In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity. (Lauren Bell, US actress)
  • I only sound intelligent when there’s a good scriptwriter around. (Christian Bale, English actor)
  • They say marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning. (Clint Eastwood, US actor)
  • Marriage is a great institutiion, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. (Mae West, US actress)
  • The road to success is always under construction. (Lily Tomlin, US actress)

Political Poppycock

  • Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Mary Pearson, wife of Lester Pearson, Canadian Prime Minister)
  • It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. (Abraham Lincoln, US President)
  • A fool and his money are soon elected. (Will Rogers, US actor)
  • Democracy is the process by which people choose tha man who’ll get the blame. (Betrand Russell, British philosopher)
  • An empty stomach is not a good political advisor. (Albert Einstein, German physicist)

Literary Levity

  • A poet can survive anything but a misprint. (Oscar Wilde, Irish writer)
  • Brevity is the soul of wit. (William Shakespeare, English playwright)
  • It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. (Mark Twain, US writer)
  • A smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities. (Herman Melville, US writer)
  • The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot. (Mark Twain, US writer)
  • When the situation is hopeless, there is nothing to worry about. (Edward Abbey, US writer)
  • A journey is like a marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. (John Steinbeck, US writer)
  • The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction makes more sense. (Tom Clancy, US author)
  • You live and learn, then die and forget it all. (Noel Coward, English playwright)

Sporting Shenanigans

  • Boxing is like jazz. The better it is, the less people appreciate it. (George Foreman, US boxer)
  • You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you have to run much faster. (Lewis Carroll, English writer)
  • I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was. I figured that if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest. (Muhammed Ali, US boxer)
  • If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? (Vince Lombardi, US football coach)
  • Victory is fleeting. Losing is forever. (Billie Jean King, US tennis player)
  • The older I get, the better I used to be. (Lee Trevino, American-Mexican golfer)
  • Showing off is the fool’s idea of glory. (Bruce Lee, US actor and kung fu specialist)

Musical Monkey Business

  • Money doesn’t talk, it swears. (Bob Dylan, US singer-songwriter)
  • Do I listen to pop music because I’m miserable or am I miserable because I listen to pop music? (John Cusack, US actor)
  • All is fair in love and songwriting. (Norah Jones, US singer-songwriter)
  • One good thing about music: when it hits you, you feel no pain. (Bob Marley, Jamaican musician)
  • To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time. (Leonard Bernstein, US composer)
  • Rhythm is something you have or you don’t have, but when you have it, you have it all over. (Elvis Presley, US singer)
  • It’s better to burn out than to fade away. (Neil Young, US musician)
  • Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. (Voltaire, French writer)
  • Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. (Mark Twain, US writer)
  • Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. (Igor Stravinsky, Russian composer)
  • A lot of truth is said in jest. (Eminem, US rapper)

Classic One-Liners

  • True friends stab you in the front. (Oscar Wilde, Irish writer)
  • I’m not upset I’m divorced; I’m only upset I’m not a widow. (Roseanne Barr, US comedian, on Tom Arnold)
  • Where there’s a will, there’s a relative! (Ricky Gervais, English comedian and actor)
  • Why does a woman work for years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? (Barbra Streisend, US singer and actress)
  • Bigamy is the only crime where two rights make a wrong. (Bob Hope, US comedian)
  • Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. (Mark Twain, US writer)
  • People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. (Issac Asimov, US author)
  • Write drunk; edit sober. (Ernest Hemmingway, US writer)
  • Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down. (Jimmy Durante, US comedian)

This 384-page book is a delight! The design and layout will make anybody who picks it up want to read from cover to cover in one sitting. I hope to find its companion volumn: Classic Put-Downs.

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